Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
