I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
NoShamevember. You game?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
