I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I met the friendliest cop last night
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
