I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
