i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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