Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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