Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
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