I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
