Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
