I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
