Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
