Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
