Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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