I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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