This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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