Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
