I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
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