I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
