I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
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He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
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YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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