Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
