why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Randomize
