I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
