Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
