Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
