The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
