the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
