Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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