Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
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U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
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He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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