haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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