New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
