The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
