Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
