So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You should frame my arrest warrant.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
