she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
