he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
