My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Boobs are out for the taking
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
