thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
