She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
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Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
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I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
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