If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I wish I could teleport
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
