Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I supernannyed him into submission
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
