If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
