Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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