please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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