He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
