i don't like sucking hair
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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