Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
