What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
