That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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