After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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