Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
