i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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