dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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