Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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