Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
