Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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