I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
